Prosperity

I have most of my belongings in storage in Gun Barrel City, yes Gun Barrel City, small redneck town on Cedar Creek lake, not a mile from my father's lake house. My father loved that lake house and my step mom didn't, so when he died, she saw it as another huge burden he left behind for her. She rarely ever goes out there. Too many reminders of my father. She let me use one of the bedrooms and I filled it high with boxes and furniture. After selling half of my things through several garage sales and two truckloads donated to Goodwill, I was able to fit everything I owned into half of a small bedroom of our lake house.

Then one of the water pipes busted and since my family rarely goes out there, no one knew. Water kept spewing and the heat of a humid Texas summer with the windows closed caused mold to grow into and up the walls and all over everything. I went out there once after it happened and found my bookshelves and dresser coated with a green moldy dust. I was going to pack up an empty suitcase to bring back but I got all overwhelmed by the state of things. The fact that I was trying narrow down a lifetime of stuff into the black duffel bag with a boyfriend and two twin boys hanging over my shoulder, was too much. I circled it all like a headless chicken and ended up leaving upset and empty handed.

It's been two and a half years now without my things. All my books and journals and art supplies and old photos are boxed up. All of my handmade dishes from my ceramics class are wrapped up tight hopefully not broken. I tell myself that it's not even about the stuff anymore, it's about the fact that my life is not all in one place. I still have a big piece of me in redneck Gun Barrel City and I'm ready to be all in one piece. I want to be all in one piece.

All in one piece. That's why I've started therapy again and acupuncture and soon with osteopath appointments and an annual physical and my first dental cleaning in almost three years. That's why I'm looking up painting classes and yoga classes and art studios to rent.
I'm trying to get all the pieces of myself back in one place so that I can build upon this blank canvas that is me, me in one piece.

So why haven't I just had it moved up here? At first it was because I wasn't a permanent resident yet. I couldn't bring it through the border. After I became a permanent resident, it was because I couldn't get away long enough to take care of it, having two young twin boys that needed me. I couldn't bring them with me because there was no way I was driving from Dallas to Montreal with two twin babies, and anyway, they don't allow me to fly with two kids under two alone. Now they're older and could handle my absence, and it's about money. I don't have any. So to send it up here would cost a lot and I don't have the money to pay for it. I don't have money yet. It's coming though, I'm sure of it.

How do I know it's coming? Because I've been wearing my prosperity necklace every minute that I'm not in the shower (which is most since I hardly ever shower). My mother sent me this necklace last week to bring prosperity into my life, because my life is obviously lacking in prosperity. And do I feel guilty that I say this with everything I have? Yes, which helps me stay comfy cozy in this depression. The necklace is a coin, money, wrapped around a ring of jade, in the shape of money that brings money. I want money. Will money make me happy? I think it will surely help.

I'm in a search for what makes me happy because what I've got doesn't seem to satisfy it. I've got a great man, beautiful healthy children. I don't have to work right now because my partner can take care of us. The boys go to daycare full-time and I've got my days for the most part free. And since that doesn't seem to be enough for me, I'm back to my stuff. Maybe if I just had my stuff....then I'd be happy. Maybe if I finally had all that belongs to me in one place, I'll be happy. Maybe then I'll feel like this is my home and I'm not just visiting.